Hey everyone, it's time for me to leave dA. Things have got too difficult for me to stay on here any longer.

I want to thank everyone who ever watched my account and faved my work, both art and cosplays, it really meant alot to me.

I still love Maisy with all my heart, which is why I'm forcing myself to back-off. I'll just bring her pain which she doesn't deserve. I'm too afraid of things turning bitter.. and I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. After everything she's done for me, I'd never forgive myself.

Maisy is the best thing that has ever happened to me, she was and still is my first true love. She made me so insanely happy I wanted to scream it to the whole world, because for the first time in my life, I was in love with someone who felt the same way, and it felt like roses. We first met on YouTube, where she and her sister requested a Azumanga Daioh AMV with the song "This Ain't A Scene" by Fall Out Boy, I remember my reaction was like: WTF?! How do I match Azu with THAT!? But I did! And it turned out awesome, infact it was probably one of my best AMVs. After that we talked casually on YouTube and on the 6th of September last year, we spoke on msn for the first time. Amazing. (Yes, I kept the chat logs, so kill me.) We pretty much hit it off straight away, chatting about all kinds of random crap every night, from giving each other crazy cat names like Scrab and Scranses, (wtf?) to role playing Tamaki and Kyouya and having serious food troubles in the kitchen. (I. Don't. Like. Soggy. TOAST!) Gawd.. we were insane, yus. I first told Maisy I had feelings for her while I was studying at college a few weeks after we started speaking on msn, at the time she had feelings for another girl, as well as developing feelings for me aswell, so it was very difficult for her so I did only what I could do and waited for her to decide what she wanted to do. I made many promises to her, that I would never hurt her, and that I'd be good to her, I did everything I could to let her know that I would love her and only her. Then towards the end of October I went to visit my best friend, and on Halloween night, I spoke to Maisy on msn and she had made me a video blog on YouTube asking me if I wanted to be her girlfriend, or to atleast talk about being together. I remember my exact reaction, I kept saying: ASK ME! ASK ME! ASK ME! Waiting for her to ask me to be hers. And from then on we were Doodle & Azu, later changed to Doodle & Kouya.. and then to Akoya & Yuri.. then Usagi-Kun & Panda-san.. and finally I think we settled on Doodle & Yuri. However, we did have alot more nicknames for one another, and some we didn't agree on. The thing that I always loved the most, was the mush, ahhh the mush.. we were a freaking omega mushy couple, seriously. But, I loved it that way. I remember when Maisy was going through a protective stage, it was totally adorable. We were like Penny and Bolt, she'd be the jealous puppy fighting for her masters affections. And the time she jumped to my defence when a raging homophobe took a dig at one of my photos, calling me a stereotypical dyke. Lawl, she went berzerk. I do actually think she could have killed that dude. Hehe, we had such an amazing time when we spent days out together, we just kinda clicked right from the first date. I could always be myself around her, a shy yet hyper little midget who blushes way too much. It just felt really natural, and right. The more I got to know her, the more I discovered about how hard her home life was, the more I wanted to be there for her, I wanted her to know that I would always be there for her and that she could rely on me for anything. I just wanted her to know she could open up to me, and I would never judge her, I'd always take her side nomatter what. I did my best to support her when she went through difficult and painful times, as she did for me, I always scolded her when she doubted herself and the way she looks, I'd tell her how beautiful she is, especially with that massive grin on her face. She's still the single most beautiful person I've ever met, both inside, and out. We definately went through some tough times, like when we first began dating and her parents weren't supportive at all, they even threatened to ban Maisy from using the internet. So we were forced to keep our relationship a secret for many months, and when they did finally find out, it wasn't the way we wanted them to. Which didn't make things much easier. But, we had our good times, as well as the omega amazing times. I'll never forget Valentines day, my first valentines with a girlfriend. It was really perfect, I treasure the memory of sitting in the cinema, holding her hand through the whole movie, then when it ended I had manic pins and needles, but didn't care one bit. I was naive, I knew how unlikely it was that we would be together forever. But I let myself belive so strongly that we could be.. I wanted to give her everything that I had. It was like my life before her was just a long dark tunnel, she became the light at the end which I ran towards, everything I did after we became a couple was for her, I worked so hard to find a job so I could see her more and take her places in the future. I stopped being so lazy because I now had something I wanted to work for, she was my goal. Whats strange now, is how when we were still together.. it felt like we had been together for so long, but now it feels as if time just went to quickly.. like it all happened in the blink of an eye.

I know that many people think it's unfair of me to leave and suddenly cut Maisy from my life, and they're right, I know how unfair it is. But why I'm doing this is my own personal issue.. I'm not strong enough to accept her as only a friend, I don't know if it's just because it's still too soon or if it's just how I'll always feel. But I do know, that if I continiued to speak to her I would only cause her grief, I'd beg for her to take me back.. to the point where she would hate me. I'd do anything.. but she just doesn't love me anymore. And knowing that makes it too painful for me. I can't even bear to see her anymore, not even in a photograph.. or her new cosplay photos, which she works so hard on.. I can't even bring myself to look at them and tell her how amazing and beautiful she looks. It kills me, that after all the support she's shown me, I can't do the same now.

I just want people to understand that I'm not leaving to forget everything thats happended over the last 12 months, and the memories of myself and Maisy together. I'm leaving because I had so much left to give, so many memories left to make.. and I'm not strong enough to stay knowing that I never can, it'll be someone else.. not me.

I've made so many amazing friends on dA, some of the kindest and funniest people I've ever known, you all know who you are and I love all of you and I want to keep talking you guys.

So I guess I just want to say thanks again to everyone on dA who made coming on this site so freaking awesome!

~ Lilly, OUT! SAYONARA!

"I'm a star without a sky, I'm hello with no goodbye. I'm the dreams we had that never will come true, thats me with no you.."